Photo Chop!

So interesting story... I was being a weirdo with my camera and taking pictures of my mother as she chopped away at vegetables last night and I was getting really into it and even sort of freaking her out. Suffice to say she decided she wanted to review them to see if she looked good (which with my skills you never look bad) and she was deleting the ones she didn't like. She ended up deleting them all by mistake and that sort of made me upset, and that is when I realized I was getting upset over nothing and I tend to do that a lot. I think my stress level is unusually high for a normal person and possibly because there is a looming cancer screening in my near future, or possibly because I am a control freak with no control. I realized it is probably the first one that caused the second one, and here is why.

In Spring 2004 I started my college life at SUNYIT. That was all fine and dandy for me because I didn't really have anywhere to go in my head. I was engaged to be married to C. H. who lived in White Plains, NY up till he got into a serious car accident which paralyzed him from the waist down and moved to Mesa, AZ after which he proposed and I said yes which led me to believe I didn't really have a choice in whether or not I moved to AZ and I needed to have an excuse to stay in NY and college was my excuse. (yes I was in fact an idiot) So anyway, I had hardly ever gotten sick before and I started to get all sorts of sick. I had a small run-in with pennicillin via the form of rotten oranges in the common area left conveniently by one of my roomates. I am coincidentally allergic to pennicillin which was all sorts of fun for the ER when I came wheeled in by one of my friends who claimed I was talking and passed out, then woke up breathing funny. I of course remembered none of this. I was treated and my friend was ordered to remove the toxins from the suite and so was Res. Life who told me I could charge my roomates who I did not know and did not wish to piss off. I did not charge them, because I was alive and thankful. Anyway I was requested to see the doctor at the college once in a while where they then said "Hey, while your here lets get your feminine tests out of the way." I was eager to get out and just got it over with because I hate doctors offices.

Well my tests were abnormal and I had to go through all sorts of freak tests with St. Elizabeth medical center in West Winfield and New Hartford. It was in New Hartford that I was told that I had precancerous cells on my cervix. They also revealed to me that they were caused by the HPV virus, and by the look of the growth I had had them for a few years. (apparently pre-cancer cells grow much like trees, I think they counted the rings) So I got my first treatment which was a liquid metal treatment that burned the cells off the cervix and then froze the cervical cells they were attatched to. The warning that came with the treatment was "You might feel discomfort for a few days and you may urinate dark" Well I urinated Black, and I could hardly move without feeling like my uterus was going to pull out my intestines. It burned like there was a devil setting me on fire on the inside. I was tested 6 months later to find out that I still have the virus and always will, but the pre-cancer was gone... for now.

Now I am doing what every person that I have ever known with a disease does. I deflect the issue and take control over every other thing in my life, and make excuses for why I don't want to go to the doctor. I don't want to lose control. I don't want to hear bad news. In my head I think I am ok. I don't want to be told I can't have kids. I don't want to be told I have cancer. I definitely don't want to be told that it's not under control. I know it is dumb and a little out there, but ignorance is bliss, and knowing that I have a test in a few months really scares me. I don't want to know. I would love to know that everything was ok, but I don't want to know if it is not. I don't care if you tell everyone else that I am sick, just don't tell me. I feel like if I feel fine then I am fine, and why soil my bliss with bad news? I can't control this feeling, so I think I take it out on Nick a bit. I know he is not a slob, I would just like to have some control over his actions too. Afterall he is the one who cares so much as to make me promise to set up the appointment... and keep it.