Sweet Emotion

Oh! To be a teenager in this day and age is the worst thing possible to ever happen! I could not imagine being stuck in a prepubescent body waiting for life's changing grip to take hold in ruin all that I considered sacred. For one menarche sucks for girls and it sucks more when you have questions about it that you aren't comfortable asking your parents about. Tomorrow she will drive 45 minutes to the new doctor's office, walking into the waiting room holding her father's hand, and come out scarred for life and resenting her father for putting her mother through the torment of having her. This is what will happen, unless one of her parents decide that she is old enough to hear 'the sex talk.' This is what will happen because sexual education is no longer allowed to be taught in schools, and she has questions. Questions that make me want to blush and run into a corner to hide for the next month.

It's a learning experience for her, and she probably doesn't want to be a part of it. I know I never did. I was the person who knew that "that stuff" was private, secret and even taboo to speak of. I never asked questions, pretended to know the answers and then pleaded ignorance at the best moments to keep myself out of harm and knowledge's way. I was doing a great job too in fact until my mother bought me a book. A book I will never forget that told me everything in great detail, made me blush, made me cry, made me scream on the inside, and it forced me to learn! This is the same book that has been sitting on her floor since she had her first period and will forever sit on her floor as she only moves it to shove it further out of her mind. " Are You There God? It's Me Margaret by Judy Bloom. It glares at her out of the corner of it metaphorical eye, and gleams in her direction. It's tempting for sure, but an awakening at the same time. She told me once that "it was a good book, nice story line" and I knew at once she had simply read the back cover and tossed it out of her mind in fear. "Coming of Age," three words she never wanted to hear, and will forever shiver in response to. Well until tonight. I have took the liberty of invading her space, and placing the book tactfully on her bed. Cover open. To a page that I think might give her insight to her plight.

These pages make me blush and squeam as I have finally realized that she is a teenager and will be almost fully "developed" in a year. If only I could keep her a negative for life and never let people see her true beauty. There are beasts out there who will take advantage of the flower she is becoming, and sting her. I vow to protect her. We both do, and fight as we must to let her keep her sanity and purity, her father is no longer invited to her tea party tomorrow. He will have to get his information on her from someone else, as her party is invite only, and he is persona non grata.

Light up my Life

So I don't know if death surrounding me has done this, or if I am just a sap of sorts and need therapy, but I am being really nice. I have cooked breakfast all week long for the entire family, (waffles on Wednesday, banana pancakes on Thursday, and French toast Friday) done some chores (dusting, dishes and even taking out the trash), and even offered to help take the dog to the vet (not an easy feat since as soon as we got inside he panicked and relieved himself on the floor). I have found myself unusually helpful, and even a little bit nice. Of course I am assuming that this will all come with a price, as the migraine is already settling into my cozy little head for a summer vacation. But we leave on Wednesday, so hopefully I snap at one of my four empty walls in the new place.

On a brighter note, when we do move into the new place, I am pulling out two large glass containers and finding me some fish to fill them. I am now in the market for small fish that need no heater or filter. I could steal a filter from my mother, but it would just be easier to find a self sustaining fish. Right now the only thing ringing in my mind is a beta because they are pretty resilient, but not sure I want that road again. Anywho, I figure I should tell you I might be MIA for a while, but I should be back in full force around the middle of August. Until then there might be spurts of information from my travels, or tiny tidbits of the moving process.

Swamped in Sadness

So the past week has been a roller coaster of emotion for me. First I moved into my new place... YAY!!! I was so excited to be in it that I didn't realize that I had a lot of cleaning to do. I spent all of Last Monday and Tuesday scrubbing down my kitchen, bathroom and bedroom in order to get ready for more stuff to be moved in. I also got all of the kitchen stocked with our stuff and am really happy to have it all out of the way. However I had to run up to see my sister in Newburgh, NY for the rest of the week, and spent a lot of time in the sun getting burned, and then later spent time avoiding the sun in order to stay cool. I also received bad news from Nick. His cousin passed away and we would have to go to New Jersey or Philly come the weekend.

Plans went into work for Nick and I to get on a train at noon on Saturday and not get off till about 11pm. It was a long day, but kind of worth it when it came to understanding how much we spend on gas on the way down. The viewing was this past Sunday, and a family I was not so close to, I got a lot closer to. I know that sorrow tends to heal wounds and strengthen bonds, but knowing the anguish that the girls' pregnant sister was in only pushed me to want to help her even if only to help her tend to the baby. (When it came down to it, she wanted her sister back so much that she didn't care what happened to the baby) The funeral was this morning, and we came home after that, knowing that we had helped a lot. Of course there was more for me to do since I am not home as in NY home, I am back in MD till Nick's last day of work next Wednesday. For now I am the one talking to the kids and telling them that life is ok, and Nick's father is sleeping. He has been sleeping since 4pm and basically deserted them after he got home, so I took over knowing that they need it.

I feel like there is a blanket of sadness over our heads, and I don't like being under the covers. I am also so drained and can't quite think which leads me to not be a big help when it comes to making things better for people. There are times I wish that I could be in two places at once. I think I would help people in one place and sleep in the other to keep up my energy!

One and Only

So I did that thing that you see in 80's movies when the girl gets asked out by the popular guy to the big dance. I flopped on the bed, screamed the loudest scream and kicked my feet like a giddy school girl. Why you ask? Because I packed up EVERYTHING and now I can sit back and relax. I mean that is what I am telling myself as I scan every room in the house to make sure that I am not forgetting something.

I can not wait till I get the heck out of here and back to NY. Not that staying here was horrible, but it was not easy. I don't like people who knock on my door at 6am to ask me if I have the portable phone. I never do because nobody ever calls me on the house phone and I never call out. Even if I did have it, if they paged it, they would know and that rude awakening would be warranted. The worst part about it was that when the kids were in Florida with their dad, he would call at 1am and since there is a phone hooked up in our room, the phone would ring and wake me up. At one point I unplugged the phone and went back to sleep, only to get yelled at because apparently the answering machine is also in my room. Ooops. Anyway I can say that my stay here was long enough and I am ready to be out.

Nick says I am just excited to be home, and that is quite true, but I think honestly, I knew that this moved was coming for a really long time. I still am not supposed to talk about it, but I have know for over 4 months! I have stayed quiet for a long time about it, and since his co-workers don't check my blog, odds are that he won't be fired before he gives notice after his year mark, which is Tuesday. The best part out of all of it is that I finally have five CNY things back in my life that I really love.

1- Midyork Public Library System- You honestly don't know what you are missing until it is gone. I miss REAL libraries more than anything. I haven't read a book in over a year (unless you count the Twilight Series) and I am due for a good read!

2- O'Scuggnizzo's (pronounced O-Skin-Eats) - which is the place I know that has the BEST foccacia sandwiches I have ever tasted.

3- Packy's Pub and Cavallo's Wing Nights- There are places down here that have wing nights, but sadly the wings are sub par, and people put breading on them. WHAT THE HECK IS THAT ABOUT? Pat maybe you can explain the obsession with Jersey people liking breaded wings.

4- Saranac- The Saranac Nights in Utica at the Brewery, as well as the Seasonal mix cases. They are something that I have missed for a while, and I think that when I get home I am cracking open a nice Pommegranate wheat in honor of my move! Though I will be moving in the middle of the night tonight, so maybe I will have to wait till tomorrow afternoon.

5- Last and probably not least. My friends and family. Almost ALL of them are there. Nick's are kind of scattered over four states, but mine are all in NY. It's nice to be close to them, and I can't help it if I am a sucker for CNY.

I <3 CNY!

Stretching

Whether it be your legs, or your arms, or even your vocabulary, stretching can be a great thing. However when it comes to the truth, the only form of truth that is good is the 100% dead honest form. Some people don't really get the idea, and they stretch it. In regards to their so-so and possibly boring relationship, they tell people "Oh things have never been better" which is quite possible in that circumstance, however if that is the case, someone needs a change. Anyway, I am not feeling well, so when I am not feeling well, mentally or physically, I tend to stretch the truth and always feel really bad about it.

This morning for example I did not get to sleep till almost 5am, and did not wake up till nearly 1pm. I don't know why, but I was emotional and kind of sick to my stomach at the thought that I would have to go shopping with Nick's mom all day feeling the way that I did. So I stretched the truth when she asked me if I needed to eat before we left and basically blurted that I felt like crap and couldn't go. Now it's not really true in the sense that she thought. She thought I was sick and would need to be staying in bed all day. It's not really the case, I felt like crap about not going with her, but I really can't go and feel like a normal person. It is just easier to not have to deal with her not being able to make up her mind, and find a way to pack my stuff up here instead. I could have told her that, but why break her heart.

I guess it is just the simple fact that I lack sleep lately, am stressed about moving into a place in NY, and excited at the same time. It makes it really hard for me to get anything done, and when I do get things done I feel like I have to redo them simply because I didn't do them to the best of my ability. I can't wait to be in NY where I can occupy myself completely. Sometimes I think that I am going crazy with all the free time I have.

Gummy Bears and Jelly Beans

I like Gummy Bears. But moreso, I like my Bear collection. By bear collection I mean Teddy Bear collection with very few accents of other types of bears.

Yes, I have a teddy bear collection. Does that make me odd? Probably, but I love them, and always have. I have over 100 now, and my favorite so far is a Vermont Teddy Bear Company Panda that Nick gave me for my birthday two years ago, and I named Pasqual. But the collection has been going on for years. I not only collect Teddy bears, but I also collect a series called Cherished Teddies which I think are now discontinued. I find that by sticking to a staple trend like the teddy bear I am more apt to get something normal than when my sister started to like frogs. There are a lot of weird frog trinkets out there and I think she had had enough after a year or two. Speaking of which, this year my poor sister might have to deal with a rather obnoxious birdbath that has frogs sunbathing and swimming. It's not completely gaudy but I think she will find a nice place to hide it if we get it for her.

I think that is my favorite part about collections. There are tons of different things that people collect and a billion different ways to ruin that collection for them. Not that I do it on purpose, but sometimes you can't resist getting something (like flamingos that you dress up year round that we gave my aunt who likes flamingos) if someone collects them. My grandmother does it, and now I think I do too. Here is to spicing up your collections! Also, here is a picture of Pasqual, my panda bear and the awesome lamp I may sometime get to spice up my collection!

Anywhere I Go I Know Where I Came From

Born and bred in Central New York. Home of roughly 60,000 people, and the place where the average snowfall per year is roughly 95 inches. It rests nestled next to the Mohawk River, in New York State and even has it's own stop on the Amtrak system at Union Station. Some of the perks of living there include accessibility to a local brewery Saranac and it's daily events as well as serving as a home for a branch of Lockheed Martin. I like to call it my small wonder, and others call it their second chance city. A place where many immigrants come to have their chance and piece at an amazing slice of life, and possibly a great piece of pizza.

Some cynics of the area call it the bottomless pit and black hole of central New york. A place where you get sucked in and can never get out of. They feel that it is a place that slowly sucks the life out of you until there is nothing left and you are stuck wallowing in the depths of self pity hoping that there will be something to pull you out of it before you die. Then somehow you crawl out of the depths and make some sort of measly existence for yourself and swear that one day you will "get out of central new york!"

I don't understand these people. It's a pathetic little place on the surface, and I get that, but it's relatively safe when you think about it, and the people for the most part are really nice. Then there are the events that the community put on and plenty of things to keep you busy. I really love the place and find that I can figure out something that I like that is going on every weekend there easier than I could find things going on in New Jersey, or Maryland. Philadelphia was a different story, but I think going back to Utica is slowly opening my eyes. I like small corners of the world. Slightly dirty and in need of improvement, but unique just the same. I can't wait to live in a place full of suck character!

(above picture is of Union Station in Utica, NY taken by a good friend of my family, Gayle Coveny.)

It's A Small World

So I am STRESSING about the move.

I know I know, calm down, take a deep breath, in, out, close your eyes, count to ten. I get it. But I am still jittery as hell as I sit here and think about how I had all of the details of my wedding down to a 'T' or at least most of them, and now I am back to square one!

Well not really. I am back to square 2 because I think I may have found an event planner who I knew previously, but didn't even know that they had their own business! One of the women that I worked with while I attended college owns an outside business on the side where she does the same job that she did at the college. How easy would it be to hire her to help me out? I am so excited and ran it by Nick, and I think that he is stoked as well. I am just glad that we finally found someone that I know we can both trust, and possibly a lot of information about an area that we aren't really experts on. I mean seriously I will only be getting married once, and have never been married before so how would I know where the deals are and who to work with? At least I know that there is a light at the end of the really eerie tunnel that I could possibly work with!

I am excited to get started and I know that it is probably a little bit early to start throwing things in the air about how perfect things are going, but really this move seems to be doing wonders for me. I get to be near my family, I get to get out of living with "the outlaws" and I get to plan a wedding that I always dreamed of in the church I grew up in. What's better than that!?! I think the best perk of the entire situation is that I found out that if I hire her as a wedding planner I can use her for both the wedding and the bridal shower. Not that I want to know that I am having a bridal shower, but it would be nice for my cousin who lives 300 miles away from my home to be able to plan something with her and not let me know about it. I know that they would work really well together and that my cousin would not get stressed, and the last thing that my cousin needs is stress with all she is going through.

Things are looking up, and it is a small world after all! Oh yeah and I found a really cute wedding dress that I asked a woman at a boutique in my town to let me try on. She seemed really eager because the price has been slashed and she is looking to move it quick. I like it in the Deep Red Color that you see in the train, not so sure though how it will look in the big picture.

Talking to Walls

I get bored with people, and sometimes that is what I start to do. I talk to inanimate objects. Sometimes I yell, in fact a lot of times I yell. I yell in the mirror a lot, just to see what my face looks like, but I am sad to say that the face in the mirror is probably much more humorous than the face actually yelling in real life. I don't like talking to animals all that much because I don't think that they can actually hear me. I fact the birds squeak at inappropriate times and that dog just looks at me like I am nuts and should be feeding him. I don't feed him, and he huffs off to find another victim, usually in the middle of me talking, and I find that rude. I do talk to my laundry though, and I find based on my mood with the clothing, it seems to come out folded a little bit differently. I get mad enough and I am sure to find a small tear in the clothes, but if I am really happy it looks like a machine folded it for packaging, and I an usually pretty happy with that.

Anyway, today I was talking to the showerhead, and he (yes he is male, don't ask me why) is rude! He was spitting on me the entire time, and even splashed me with cold water at a really awkward moment. I don't know what to say about it other than I am shocked. For years I have successfully talked to the shower head and he has been there for me through thick and thin. There are days when I really need someone like the shower head, to cry about my cousins suicide in 1999 which I am still having issues grasping, or to talk about how much I miss my grandmother on my fathers side despite not knowing her all that well. Needless to say it took my by surprise when shower head decided that he would startle me like that in the middle of my rant, but it also awakened me. I was in the middle of talking to him about how messed up I think my fathers family is, when it shot me with cold water. I didn't know what to say and lost all train of thought. And then I thought well it is possible that this shower head is particularly offended because the issue in which I was talking about involved my cousin who once took a shower under the presumable 'brother' or 'cousin' of this showerhead. Maybe she also talked to her shower head and they talked back and forth through the pipes about us? I don't really know how it works, or if it works at all, but for some reason when I explained to the showerhead that there are certain people like my cousin who I can never trust again in that family, it spat out that cold water and woke me up.

It didn't change my mind about her. The only person who can is her, but stealing my identity and my shoes all in one weekend was really a lifechanging experience for me. One that I don't want to get near ever again. To clarify, she came up in conversation because she is in trouble again and it's breaking my uncle's heart. My uncle talks to my father, who talks to my mother and relays it to me that she has a problem with alcohol and won't get it checked out. My uncle is an enabler and my father has had enough. Both of them have been uninvited to Christmas Dinner this upcoming year, and my father finally put his foot down and said they are uninvited forever until things change. It's a big deal, and I think i was trying to reason with the shower all of the points that my father has, but I think I really wanted to be told it was ok to dislike someone so much, and feel happy that I won't be forced to endure another holiday with them. I am not entirely happy about the situation, I just feel that you reap what you sow and she has sown a lot of bad seeds, and now has to take responsibility for that. In my father's eyes she needs major help, like he recieved 15 years ago. I can proudly say that 15 years ago today my father was sober, and cigarette free for the first time in 25 years. I am proud of my father, and I think that if he ever read this, he would know I am.

Furry Companion

It is pretty simple to me, if you can't take care of yourself, you most likely can't take care of anything else. I am pretty confident that I can handle a dog now, since I have successfully kept a cat alive for 13 years as well as many fish and plants. I do think it is time to upgrade to doggy territory, or better yet, a puppy. However, I am mildly scared of full grown dogs which stand above my knee, and it is actually really intimidating to think that one day the dog I raise from a puppy will be able to tackle me to the ground and lick me till I give in and give it more treats. I know I am a pushover, and dogs are not stupid. Will a dog take advantage of me? I think so.

So for a while now I have been researching dogs. I want something friendly (golden retriever?), playful (Labrador?), Protective (German Shepheard) good with kids (Beagle?) and small (Chihuahua?) I came across an interesting breed a while ago, and I think I may have found a winner. A Shiba Inu. I have been talking about getting one of these for a really long time, and every time that I bring it up, Nick tells me that he is set on a Lab. Well I hate to break it to him, but although it is the only breed that he has been introduced to ever in his life, it is not the only breed out there. Yes, they are lively, great with kids and fun to be around, but they also have long thick tails which beat down Christmas ornaments, and bruise your legs, and they are massive. I think that the dog his parents have is entirely too big for me. I am not scared of theirs, but any that come around me, I am affraid are going to nail me to the sidewalk. I now have to break it to Nick that the Shiba Inu is the only way I will go.

I am dead set on having a furry companion, and I think since I will doing most, if not all of the work in training I should be able to have the one that I want. Maybe one day down the line I will be prepared for a Labrador, but not right now. I think that should I decide on a dog, it has to be one that I am prepared to get to know and research everything about it. I think the past four years I have been googling and AKC searching for the poor thing, just to see if I am ready. Today, I woke up and I knew I was ready for a small, attentive, and brave little puppy named Loki that I found on Petfinder. Logistically it will not happen, and I am prepared for the letdown when I talk to Nick, I jsut find it hard to tell him that in this move, he is getting everything he wants (no mortgage, his dream job, and to be near all his friends again) and I am starting over with nothing again. I had to give up a lot to move to NJ in the first place, and each time I moved since then I have had to give up more. I need something to keep me company while I look for a job again, and with the market being the way that it is, I am not seeing that as an immediate possibility. I figure the time that I spend looking for a job can also be spent training the dog, and the great thing about West Winfield is that my brother is so close, it would be so easy to pay him a twenty or two when I go to work in order for him to stop by and visit the dog and take him out.

That being said, I still have to talk to the landlord as well. He is a close family friend, and I am sure that he will work something out with us. I just want to be able to put up a small removable fenced in area for him, and I don't think that he will mind since we are doing all of the landscaping for him already. So how do I break it to the toughest of my critics that I want what I want? How do I ask Nick to let me have this one little, adorable, fluffy thing?

My Life as a Sick Joke

So I woke up this morning and thought, "Hmm it seems like it it going to be a lovely day." The sun was shining, I was chipper, and I wasn't dragging and hoping to get a few more minutes of shut-eye like I normally am. All in all I thought it was going to be a perfect day! That was until I stepped my foot into the shower. Mind you I do not normally have issues with standing in a shower, or standing at all for that matter, but today I was someone's sick joke.

I almost slipped upon entry of the shower, which could mean only one thing. The stupid mat that lines the bottom of the shower was not attatched anymore and would take some seasoning to get back into place. I simply did not have time to sit around in my birthday suit and wait for it to reattach properly, so I continued cautiously through my shower making sure that each step I took was carefully planted ona secure surface. I so dilligently watched my feet for the slightest slip of the mat that I completely forgot what I was doing and put body wash in my hair instead of shampoo. Normally this would not be an issue, but it was a cream body wash and it dried my hair out on contact. I swear it was like taking a sponge and removing all water from the shower! I sat in the stream for a good ten minutes trying to resoak my hair in attempts to condition it. Which I successfully achieved and was not too irrate with the tub mat afterward. I shrugged it off as it is somewhat normal for me to lose track of what I am doing, but silently cursed Nick's mother for shifting around my toiletries in the shower when she was cleaning out the tube yesterday.

I got through the shower unscathed after that (well that is if you do not count the four times that I was cut by my razor, but that happens all the time as well.) and I got dressed and brushed my teeth. Of course brushing teeth is easy! Unless you have anelectric toothbrush that hasn't been on the charge for over four days because your fiance took it. Needless to say, it did not die, but it is on it's last legs. I might be able to brush my teeth tonight properly with it's spinning glory, but tomorrow I will be shit outta luck and brushing manually which I am really too pampered to be used to. At this point as I dribbled down my chin and onto my freshly washed shirt, I could hear the dog barking. Yes of course, he wants company, or more likely needs to go out. Nick's mother was awake, so I made the assumption that she would hurry herself along and take care of him while I scurried through my morning ritual. What a bad idea.

Nick's mom was also getting ready and I faintly heard her outside my bathroom doo as she asked "Hey Jess, can you take care of the dog" I shouted back "I need to get dressed" with a slight laugh in my tone, and I heard her huff off to get the dog. That's when everything changed. I heard what sounded like a blood-curdled scream yelling "Kody!!!!" and I knew what I feared most had happened. He had already relieved himself. There was a bunch of rummaging that I could heard as I shuffled to get my watch, pedometer, and engagement ring in their proper placement before heading down. In the process I also pulled a brush through my hair, skipping all maintenance of the poor thing in order to see what had happened. If it was #1 I would help her soak it up with some towels, but if it was #2 I would head back upstairs and pretend I had never woke up, and claim she was delusional and old.

She was nowhere in sight, but the dog was fully harnessed and ready to go for a walk when she stormed through and screamed at me to find the carpet cleaner because she had been looking all over for it and could not find it. She told me where the cleaning solution was, how much to use, and to take the dog out just in case afterwards. She told me what medicine to give, and how much and was runnning around the kitchen counters like a psycho chicken. She also screamed that she had a meeting in 8 minutes and didn't have time for "this crap" while pointing at the dog, and went about her business lighting her third or fourth cigarette of the day as she waltzed towards the door grabbing her purse and shuffling out in a puff of smoke. I looked at the dog and she slammed the front door and was gone which is when I noticed a rather large puddle that had already stained the carpet. Obviously it was not in her plan to walk the dog at all this morning, and this was yet another sick joke that someone felt would be funny. I found the carpet steamer in plain sight, obviously another thing she forgot to do this morning was open her eyes, washed the carpet, walked the dog, and gave him his meds. He is now sitting in a corner shellshocked as he has been all morning. He is not the kind of dog who pees out of spite, he pees out of need to do so.

His mother returned in a huff, and bitched for a good twenty minutes about something that I wasn't paying attention to. She then persisted to tell me that I had shampooed the carpet wrong and I told her that her wood floors were too close to the carpet for me to shampoo properly as it would scuff off the finish of her floors. She relented on her rant and went back to her miserable existence behind a game controller, and talking to her friends in Britain. I went to my hole upstairs and proceeded to get myself together since my hair was really drying out and needed it's condition restored. I put in the leave in conditioner, and plugged in my hair dryer in order to set it, only to be shocked. I then persisted to scream "This Blows!" and realize how punny I am. I finished my hair and am now awaiting the next installment of humor in my day. I think it is just one of those days that is trying to make me miserable, but with all of the weird pickle commercials, and resurfacing of shorts that keeps happening, I can't help but be amused at this crazy world I live in.

On a bright note, I called my new landlord. He says he can't wait for me to move in. Although I will have to wait till mid-July, he is excited. I am thinking I will sign the lease early and get things in order at the apartment before I allow Nick in. My plan is that I will have everything unpacked and ready before he comes to stay. I am very excited. Did you know this will officially be our first place together?