Excessive Shyness

I have decided today that there are not enough self-help manuals out there that can help everyone. Mainly because the people who write the books are usually "survivors" of the symptoms of which they claim to be able to help solve.

I need a self help book on self confidence and getting over my shyness. There is nothing in my local library that covers both aspects, and nothing that I have found through my research. I am crippled in social situations because of these aspects of my life, and I have lost out on so many opportunities that were, as other people describe them, perfect for me. The most recent and most compelling to me is my inability to get a job. I have more than enough credentials to get the jobs that I am applying for, so competence is not the issue. I am finding that the issue is that I am socially awkward and unremarkable when it comes to face to face interviews. Metlife is the most recent company that I applied to and failed miserably. I tried to blame it on the fact that I was interviewing with a male, and therefore intimidated, I blamed it on the fact that I didn't own any good clothing, and that he thought I looked too plain. I also blamed it on the fact that I lost my previous job for taking the wrong person's advice and getting fired, therefore failing the background check portion.

None of those reasons would be the only reason for my not getting the job, so I had to reflect on things that I said and things that I did in the interview, and sure enough I thought that I was a complete basket-case when it came to the interview. I answered every question right, but my body language was all over the map. One minute I was confident in my skills, and the next I was cowering back because I had no clue what I was doing there. The building was intimidating and the people were more so. I had never i my life had to have an ID tag to visit a building before, and to me that was scary and ominous of the fact I might not be ready for what the job had to offer me.

I think in that case, my self confidence failed me, and let's face it, I am not all that confident as it is, so a failure of my confidence is not a significant drop, but it leads to great overall failure. I have been talking to myself for weeks telling myself that opportunities come and go and I just have to find the job that is right for me, and the more I tell myself this the more ridiculous it sounds. What more could I want than to help people? The job I would have been doing would have directly helped those people that are struck with grief after a loved on dies. I would be giving the good news that checks would be sent to them monthly thanks to the benefits that their loved one had left in their name. I would be giving GOOD NEWS in an insurance company. I would be the good guy, and I REALLY wanted that job. It was just too bad I blew it. so after what I would call a major pitfall (breaking down to the point of ceasing my job search and saying "screw it" all too many times) I finally woke up to the fact that just because I don't think I can do it, does not mean that I can't.

I decided that I would have to help myself. I looked up self help books because they are supposed to help, and I like reading so at least my reading list would get longer than just the Sookie Stackhouse novels that I have been reading month after month. There was nothing for me out there in the world of books, and yet again I felt defeated. Till this morning when I was walking home from church (something else i gave up on for a while) and I had an epiphany. Why rely on someone else when I am so scared of every person I encounter?

I have decided that I am going to write my own self help book. Or rather I am going to stick to stages of my own self help in order to deal with it. Step 1 for me will be saying "hello" to everyone that I pass. This is hard for me being that not everyone that I pass is friendly, and although I live in a small town, I will have to force myself to leave the house, and socialize with someone other than my dog and my family. I don't really like the idea, but I think it will be helpful to force myself out of my comfort zone more often. I can't tell you how intimidating step 1 is right now because as it was before I tended to walk around town with my head down, and avoided contact with people. I think the holiday season will give me an excuse to be friendly, and that way I won't feel like a fool. Because let's face it, needing a list to force myself to be social feels foolish enough.